I Can't Sleep

It's 3 o'clock in the morning. Robs words keep pounding in my head. The last month has been so hard for me and I couldn't let it out. My only source of letting things out had been invaded. So I bottled it all in. The last 3 days have been a nightmare. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stop crying. I've learned so much, and have so much to learn.

"It's your blog darlin' write what you want."
"But people read it now, I can't say that, what will they think?"
"Fuck em, who cares what they think. I told ya before if you're gonna blog you gotta have a cast iron ass."

When I spent that week with Rob, everything that happened, he would say "You gotta blog about that." The man lived for his blog and I didn't understand it. I think I have a better understanding now. I don't want to say I understand Rob, but I understand, what I think he meant.

This blog is my diary. It's the place I come to to get things out of my head that bother me. It's a place I can lash out, cry, sort out, be goofy, anything I want. It's MY blog.
I don't have to behave for other people here.

When I first thought about starting a blog, I emailed Rob and asked him how to write. He told me to just say whatever the hell I wanted to say. "But how do I write it?"
"Write it like you are telling someone a story."

So that's how I write. I never even imagined anyone would read my silly little blog. Until I got an Acidbath, nobody really did. I was worried about people reading it and thinking bad about me. Rob told me to have that cast iron ass and just not think about what anyone would think.

All day long today people kept telling me I needed to stop worrying about what other people think. They just don't get me.

I'm a very emotional person. I spent my entire life bottling up my feelings. It wasn't until a few short years ago that I learned how to express my feelings. This blog has helped me sort them out in ways I never dreamed possible.

But people read my blog and form an opinion from what they read. They think they know me. And to an extent, you people who have read me for a while do know. But you only know a part of me, not the whole package.

Since I met Rob, I realized he was not the man I thought he was. He was such a sweetheart. He wasn't that vile acidic man who ranted and raved on his blog. He was a true southern gentleman.

I'm a "Yankee." Where I come from, people say what's on their minds. They don't say things that would intentionally hurt people as much as they just say what they are thinking. Down here in the south, they are very guarded what they say.

I never thought Rob was guarded about what he said. I mean come on, one of the things that makes his blog so great is that he pours his heart and soul out into his writing. That man told the world EVERYTHING!

But yet he didn't. It confused the hell out of me. As I got to know the man I realized there was one person who was even more complex than me! Lately I have realized that each of us has gotten to know a part of this man. But none of us have gotten to know the whole man.

During that week I spent with him, every post I wrote, I asked him to look at it first and tell me if it was ok to post. Cuz after all, he was in the post. "It's your blog darlin' post whatever you wanna post."

Yet when I've done that, I've gotten comments and emails from people. Nasty ones. They really hurt me. Like the email from Lynn Alexander, warning me to behave at the funeral. And the comment from another blogger, telling me she thinks I've made this all about me.

Do people really think I'm that shallow that I would make a mans death about me? That's the kind of stuff I don't understand about people. That's the stuff that drives me crazy and makes me question everything.

"You gotta stop letting people get to you Linda, tell them to fuck off."

But that's not me. You see, I understand these people. They want answers too. They want to understand. And since I want someone to help me understand why people treat me so shitty, I don't want to treat anyone shitty. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but it makes sense to me.

I'm very sensitive to other people. I would never intentionally hurt anyone. I don't always say or do the right thing, but I say and do it with the best of intentions. With the hopes that I'm helping them, to understand, or whatever, just like I'd want them to do with me.

So I just can't be mean. And when I say or do the wrong thing, it hurts me that people don't understand. I wanna make them understand and end up making the situation worse.

Right now, at this point in my life. I need to understand my relationship with Rob. But I can't do that here. The place I go to sort things out, because everyone who loved Rob wants answers.

Some are looking at me for answers I can't give them. Nobody has the answers what happened to Rob, except Rob and God. Rob was in pain, a lot of pain, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

In my opinion the man just couldn't take it anymore. Whether he physically did something to put an end to life doesn't really matter so much as he wanted his life to end. He wanted an end to his pain and he just didn't have any fight left in him.

The human body and mind are very complex things. The mind and body have to work together. When they don't, all kinds of things could happen.

I layed here, completely exhausted, physically. But my mind was going in so many directions I couldn't sleep. So many things ran through my head that I needed to sort out.

I wanted to get up and write them all down here, but I couldn't. People are reading this and people are forming opinions based on what I write. Their opinions shouldn't matter to me, according to what people keep telling me.

But they do matter to me. I would feel horrible if someone got the wrong opinion from something I wrote.

"It's your blog darlin' write whatever the hell you want to write."