The Pain is Killing Me

Yesterday morning my Little Prince started vomiting foam. He could barely utter a weak cry. I took him to the vet. The vet did some xrays and discovered a ruptured esophagus, he thinks from the vomiting, which made air build up in my little darlings tissues. That alone was enough to kill him.

Then the vet did a blood test and discovered severe kidney failure. I had no clue my baby was so sick! He had been laying low for a couple of days but I was so sick with my belly issues that I didn't really pay any attention.

And now my baby is in the ground. It's all I can do to stop myself from digging him up and holding him til I die! It hurts so much!

It seems that God keeps taking the males in my life that are sweet and loving and leaving the assholes and bitches.

I Never Watch Oprah

But it happened to be on the tv when I sat down one day and I was interested in the story of twin girls who were abused by their family members. It broke my heart, but one thing that stood out, and really stuck with me was a quote Oprah sited:

"FORGIVENESS IS GIVING UP THE HOPE THAT THE PAST COULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT."

I want that forever somewhere so I can access it. This is a good place.

Hey Bolivia Finney

In Fort Lauderdale Florida. So you used my blog email address to book a hotel for your trip to Lombard Illinois this weekend. Shows what a lying little thief you are. Yes I know who you are, you aren't fooling me with your lies!

I'm watching you!

Happy Father's Day!

It's been 11 years since you left this world Dad. I've come to terms with everything. I feel your presence all the time, I see you in my dreams. We are closer now than we have ever been. I thank you for giving me your great personality, intelligence and skills!
I Love You Dad!

Help Please!

HE'S BEEN FOUND!!!!!!!!!!!






Kat,the amazing woman who runs Operation Love From Home, an organization that sends cards and care packages to our troops overseas, needs help. Her 15 year old son has been missing for a week. She says he’s been away from home before, but has always returned in a day or so. A week is a bit different. She’s heard through his friends several different theories as to where he may be, up to and including Alabama (Jacob is from Georgia).

Jake is 15, and has a cross on his upper arm, just above his elbow, with the date 8/8/95 (his birthday) on it. If you have any information, please call Det. Massey at the Loganville Police Department at 770-466-8087, ext. 211. Please, keep your eyes open for Jake. The pictures of Jake below have been provided by Kat.

My Happy Place!

I did it! I went down and saw my grandson. I stayed at a hotel, which was good because I had somewhere to go and do my thing. I spent an equivalent of a day in the 3 days I was down there with them, but it was all good.

My daughter was actually nice! My son in law, was not, but I don't care. The baby! Oh the baby! I've longed to hold a baby for so long!

The little booger is spoiled, as all babies should be. As I held him and rocked him to sleep, his mama said he had to go to his crib. The little booger looked at me through half opened eyes and smiled.

He knew that meant Grandma needed to hold and rock him some more! When I told him he was so smart, again he looked at me with those half opened eyes and smiled. When I told him someday he'd rule the world....

He gave me the look above, like "Whatchutalkinbout Grandma?! I don't wanna do that!"

This picture is my desktop, sometimes I just sit here and stare at it and smile. It's my happy place!

I'm going back down at the end of next month for his christening. He's wearing the same outfit my son and my ex wore at their christenings. I can't wait to see him again!

There should be a support group

"For Mothers whose children hate them, dishonor them and belittle them...
Who bear bitter anguish." That was the closest thing I could find when I googled Good mothers whose children hate them.

After I cleaned myself up from crying so hard I literally threw up all over myself. I don't know what came over me, maybe it was the prospect of finally seeing my first grandchild for the first time, a month after his birth.

No I do know what came over me, and that's exactly it. I long to hold a sweet little baby in my arms but I'm terrified that I will fall in love with him and not be able to see him, to show him how much I love him.

I'm terrified that his mother, his grandfather, his great grandmother (my own mother) and his uncle will do to him what I suspect was done to his mother and uncle. My own children that I love more than anything in the world.

Where she got some of her ideas of things she's said that I've said are a mystery to me. I know that I have never said such horrible things! No matter how messed up my head was, I would never have done to my children what was done to me!

I hurts so much. I would never want anyone, especially not my own children to feel this kind of pain! I imagine this is close to what my son might have felt when he was about 8 years old.

Calling me to come kiss him goodnight, when I couldn't get off the couch. My heart and every fiber of my being wanted to so much, but I just couldn't lift a muscle, I was paralyzed. His poor little heart must have broken thinking I didn't love him anymore. I can understand that now.

But I miss my sweet little boy so much! He'll be 25 soon. When I spoke to him on my birthday in November he wouldn't give me his address. I asked him several times and he gave me mean excuses. It broke my heart!

He basically said he wants nothing to do with me, without saying the actual words of course. No mother should ever feel that pain!

But I clung to the hope that things would change when my children had children of their own. As much as I wanted to explain to the well meaning people who always said "they will change when they are parents" that I can no longer cling to that hope because it hurts too damn much, I kept silent because I knew they just didn't/couldn't understand.

And who could? I've gotten used to the shocked expressions on people faces when I tell them that I don't speak to my own mother because she hates me, and has hated me my entire life. Yes she did tell me that!

But I know that I have never made my children feel that way! When I tell people that I really don't understand why 2 of my children hate me, and that they refuse to even discuss anything with me, they all come up with the same conclusion... they had to be brainwashed by my mother and my ex.

I've done extensive research into the possibility that they have passive/aggressive narcissistic personality disorder. I'm convinced my mother and my ex have it! And that does help some, knowing it's them and not me.

But they are my children! I love them! 10 years of therapy helped build my self esteem. Helped me learn to build the mechanisms I needed to live a halfway normal life. And a dying old man taught me the rest.

But now I'm alone again. There's nobody here to help me when the bitter anguish hits. The feeling that my heart is exploding because I love my children so much!

And then I wonder... is it worth it to even try to see my grandchild? Can I endure more pain? The pain of loving a child who doesn't love you is a pain no mother should endure.

Sometimes I wonder if this is what it feels like when a mother has to endure the pain of her child dying. And then I think it could possibly be worse. With death there is a finality, there is no hope for a better future only to be let down, time and time again.

Forgive me, I'm rambling here. Probably won't even post this, or will take it down. I was sort of hoping that other mothers who understood this pain would find me, we could form a support group and at the very least help each other deal with it.

Right now I feel like starting to drink. But my liver is in bad shape, drinking would probably kill me and I've had that anguish already, I wouldn't want to have that happen to the one child who does love me.

So I'll clean the sheets, and cry myself to sleep again. I'll try not to think about the possibility of seeing my grandson next week. At least I'm hoping to, my daughter has a habit of ignoring me.

Maybe one glass of wine will help me sleep without killing me?

He's Got Her Head and Cheeks

The New Me

I've been wanting to get rid of the blond for a long time, but Mr Buzz wanted a young blond wife. When I finally took the plunge last summer, I hated my short dark hair, now it's growing on me.

Best Christmas Present Ever!

now if only I can get rid of this damn cold so I can go see him before he walks and talks already!

I'm a GRANDMA!!!!!

Family Ties

I know my oldest daughter has hated anything similar between us her entire life, but I never would have wished similar birthing on her! All of my children were difficult births because my body just would not let them come smoothly into this world.

It appears my daughter is the same. Her due date is Christmas Day. She went to the doctor yesterday and was not dilated at all. She figured New Years would be the new delivery date.

For some odd reason, last night I got ambitious. I posted on facebook that I was nesting for my daughter. She called me at 4:30 am and said it worked, her water just broke!

But by 1:30 they had started inducing labor because she still wasn't dilating. It's now almost 5:30 and I'm still waiting to hear that my grandson has arrived! I'm afraid my daughter inherited my lousy cervix!

I'm just glad modern medicine is better than it was 30 years ago. It took that child 3 days to come into this world. I pray it doesn't take my grandson that long!

I don't dare call, but it's driving me crazy!

To make matters worse, I can't be there because I have a horrible cold!

Everyone please pray that my grandson arrives safely and healthy soon! Thanks!


9pm still no baby. :( I called around 6 she was getting an epidural, mumbled I'll call you when it's over. Damn this waiting sucks!

Now It Is Funny

They say you can really hurt your back doing the most mundane things like sneezing, coughing, etc... But leave it to me to do it in a very embarrassing way! Of course, as I was sucking down the Vicodin and laying flat on my back for 3 weeks, I didn't find it funny! But now.... well I'll tell ya'll.

All I did was reach behind me to wipe my ass!

I felt a twist in my tailbone and pubic bone and landed on the floor. Totally blacked out. I dragged myself to the bed, but couldn't pull myself up to get on it! I knew I was in trouble!

I had to call an ambulance. They gave me two shots of morphine on the 10 minute ride cuz I would stop saying the F word. I NEVER say that word! A shot of Demerol at the ER and then I only said it when I moved. I was in a lot of pain!

I won't even get into the dumb ass nurse who wanted me to walk 25 ft to the bathroom after they left me laying there without even a call button for 3 hours. If I could walk at all I wouldn't have been there!

So anyway, I have some awesome neighbors here who helped me out everyday and it's just another thing I'm so grateful to Mr Buzz for! And the higher toilets, (cuz standing up to pee all over the place is a bitch when your back is twisting!) the grab bars, the walker and cane too!

Let this be a lesson to everyone,(and yes now it's a funny lesson!) be very careful how you wipe your ass!

What Do You Think?

I've mentioned that my cat's behavior has changed since Mr Buzz died. The dog, well she has just reverted back to her old behaviors. I know Mr Buzz's spirit is with me, but I'm beginning to think he is in both of these animals!

Now the dog is following me around making noises at me when I'm getting ready to go somewhere. Which isn't all together a new behavior, she's just getting more vocal. Mr Buzz had her trained to be quiet.

She was always very vocal. When we moved in here, it drove him nuts. So he trained her to be quiet and it worked. Until the day after he died, then she quickly went back to her old vocal ways.

She gets really excited when people even come near the driveway. By the time they actually make it to the door, she is ready to have a heart attack! Once they get in the door, she looks and sounds like she is having a heart attack.

Usually the cat doesn't bother with people. Some people he will meet at the door, sniff and then just walk away. Others he won't even bother, he'll just go and hide somewhere. But lately he's been a real pest and literally screaming at people.

So this morning, I'm sitting in my chair with my ice pack on my back. It's within view of the front door. The cat is comfortable in his chair and the dog is on the floor. The furnace guy comes to the door and I wave him in.

We chat for a bit and he goes downstairs. And that's when I realized, neither one of those animals made a sound. They just looked at him and didn't move. He came upstairs, went outside and back in twice and they just looked at him.

As he was leaving, the cat sat there and watched him. Like he was really listening to what he was saying. He's never acted like that before. When I mentioned it to the furnace guy, and told him about all the weird behavior since Mr Buzz died, he said Mr Buzz is in each of them.

And they didn't pay any attention to him, because they knew him. Makes sense to me. What do YOU think?

Getting Old Ain't For Wimps

I threw my back out about a month ago. I stayed low for about 3 weeks and then I started doing a lot. I just keep forgetting that I'm not as young as I used to be. Apparently.

Yes I threw it out again today. I really need a nice, strong young healthy back again!
Unfortunately, my body does not agree. Maybe I'm not supposed to be doing so much. Like trying to hook up the plow before it snows?

Retarded

I know that word causes some people to want to yell at me, but honestly, I am retarded and I embrace it! I've always said you have to be a little retarded to be in my life. Just look at my animals!

definition of retarded: slow or limited in intellectual or emotional development or academic progress

The dog sits on the top of the couch like a cat. She must have SAD or has just become lazy because she sleeps til noon now. She would eat the cat food if I didn't put it up on it's own little table.

The cat has taken to eating dog food. And honestly, his behavior has become totally retarded!

I much prefer retarded to psychotic.... wouldn't you?

Story of my life

As wonderful as Mr Buzz was, he was always prepared for everything, the one thing he didn't think he needed was a generator. We had a little scare last winter, but it quickly resolved itself. I'm not going to take any chances!

My house has a wood burner. So if the power went out, I could fire it up for heat, cook on the top of it, so I could even boil water if I needed to. Candles provided light.

This house, (Mr Buzz's house) everything is run on electricity. The power goes out, it's cold, can't cook, just candles.

Last Fall, I had to go down to Rhinelander to take care of one of my guys. As I was getting ready, I had the window open and listened to the wind. It sounded like a train. Since Mr Buzz was on oxygen, I was worried.

I went into the kitchen and asked him what he would do if the power went out.
"Well I won't panic." He said in his lovely calm manner, with his sweet shit eating grin.
"I know that, but what about the oxygen?"
"I can go without it."

Oh NO he could NOT! He got real ornery when he went without it! So I told him to call the neighbor and she would call me and I would come right home. In the meantime she could hook up one of the small tanks.

Sure enough, as I was finishing up, the power went out. The neighbor, she's a young mom crazier than me, came running over in a total panic! Mr Buzz was so busy laughing at her he couldn't speak. But he managed to call me and tell me the power was out while she was running around the house.

She got him hooked up to a tank, with a lot of panic, it was hysterical. And by the time I got home, the power was back on. I begged Mr Buzz to buy a generator, he said we don't need one.

By the Grace of God, the power didn't go out again.

Until this morning. They said it wouldn't be back on until Saturday! Luckily, by the time I got done delivering Meals on Wheels, it was back on, but it keeps flickering.

I'm headed to Menards. And it's snowing.

My Little Prince

Ever since Mr Buzz died, my darling Little Prince has become Psycho Kitty. He is totally obsessed with laundry. He's also taken to sitting in the chairs Mr Buzz used to sit in. I think Mr Buzz is possessing the little booger.

I can't go near a closet or dresser without him screaming at me. Trying to fold or put away laundry makes him totally psycho, he keeps screaming at me and trying to steal the laundry. He does this weird thing, he puts it in his mouth and back pedals all over it. (No humping)

I thought it meant he needed comforting, but if I try to even reach for him, he rears up on his hind legs, his eyes get big as saucers, his ears go back and he literally screams at me!

Sometimes I find my pj's on the living room floor. One time I was showing a friend the basement and he actually brought my pj's down the stairs with him! My friend called his screaming "scolding" me. But honestly, it's frightening!

So the other night, he was peacefully sleeping in the kitchen chair. I had to pick him up and put him on the floor so I could sit down and eat because he would not move. He was not happy!

This is what he did:


He sat in the chair across the table and just glared at me the entire time I sat there!

Oh Fer Shit's Sake!

For the last 3 days the television, radio and even the computer have been flashing their (chicken little warnings) advisory's about this big wind coming! "Dangerous, Hurricane like winds!"

I'm wondering if I can go stand outside and get a free cruise out of this wind?

Comments

I don't know what the hell happened to Haloscan. Apparently it became Echo. I vaguely remember paying for it a while back, but when I tried to add it now, it just didn't show up right. I got the emails that people had commented, but they didn't show up here no matter what I did. So I just deleted them. Piss on them! Blogger is good enough for me!