Wow I'm not the only Northwoods Woman! Since I had to totally restore my computer I lost everything. While trying to restore my bookmarks, and using a new browser, I googled Northwoods Woman. I didn't even show up!
Apparently there is another Northwoods Woman! I guess I should have copyrighted that name or something huh?
For over 40 years I had a shitty life. I prayed to God to bring me a man who would simply love me for me. I'm very thankful that I was able to open my heart to the one he sent me! Even for the short time I had him, he taught me so much and saved my life! Now I am looking forward to the next 40 something years with a new perspective!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Did Someone Hack Me?
Interesting... I did not post that last post today. I wrote it a long time ago. So why is it posted today!?!
Memories
A conversation with my daughter started a series of thoughts in my head. It always amazes me how two people can remember a conversation so completely different. As I was contemplating this, so many things suddenly became so crystal clear for me. All those years of therapy have finally paid off!
From the very beginning, my chief abusers tried to make me believe I was crazy. When I would try to discuss something they said to me that hurt me, they would twist everything around. It drove me crazy and made me doubt myself.
Which is the goal of a mental abuser. At a very young age I developed the ability to put my mind back in the situation. I can see it so clearly in my mind. Like a photographic memory thing.
I had this habit of needing to prove myself. I needed people to understand the truth. I needed the validation that I was right.
I spent many therapy sessions trying to understand. My therapists tried to drill into my head that people are going to interpret things with their own personalities. Their own feelings.
It finally sunk in a couple of years ago, but not totally. Somewhere along the line that whole intentions thing finally sunk in. But I still had the need to understand completely.
Now, I think I do. As I was thinking about all of this I remembered the stuck child thing I spent so much time on in therapy. I remembered how something someone would say to me would conjure up a stuck child part and how it made me feel.
I think people tend to remember the feelings more than the actual words. The intent may be innocent, but people are going to use their own personality to determine someones intent. It's a natural, unconscious thing.
When the feelings are not immediately addressed, as time goes on, the feelings are stronger than the words and people tend to group words together to validate their feelings.
It's an individual thing. Now that I am no longer needing validation, I can see things a lot clearer.
From the very beginning, my chief abusers tried to make me believe I was crazy. When I would try to discuss something they said to me that hurt me, they would twist everything around. It drove me crazy and made me doubt myself.
Which is the goal of a mental abuser. At a very young age I developed the ability to put my mind back in the situation. I can see it so clearly in my mind. Like a photographic memory thing.
I had this habit of needing to prove myself. I needed people to understand the truth. I needed the validation that I was right.
I spent many therapy sessions trying to understand. My therapists tried to drill into my head that people are going to interpret things with their own personalities. Their own feelings.
It finally sunk in a couple of years ago, but not totally. Somewhere along the line that whole intentions thing finally sunk in. But I still had the need to understand completely.
Now, I think I do. As I was thinking about all of this I remembered the stuck child thing I spent so much time on in therapy. I remembered how something someone would say to me would conjure up a stuck child part and how it made me feel.
I think people tend to remember the feelings more than the actual words. The intent may be innocent, but people are going to use their own personality to determine someones intent. It's a natural, unconscious thing.
When the feelings are not immediately addressed, as time goes on, the feelings are stronger than the words and people tend to group words together to validate their feelings.
It's an individual thing. Now that I am no longer needing validation, I can see things a lot clearer.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Merry Christmas! Hugs!!
It isn't the flowing ribbons,
draped and curled with extra care,
or the fine and fancy bows
tied with ornamental flair.
It isn't the label on the box,
the sum of money spent,
or anything that shows the length
to which you obviously went.
The beauty of a Christmas gift
cannot be seen at all.
For the loveliness of giving
is a feeling, grand and tall.
It's the genuine offer of love,
the yearning to make a connection,
a show of honest gratitude,
A DISPLAY OF SINCERE AFFECTION!
I'll be getting my affection from the 7 little (six week old) kittens I've been fostering since their birth!
draped and curled with extra care,
or the fine and fancy bows
tied with ornamental flair.
It isn't the label on the box,
the sum of money spent,
or anything that shows the length
to which you obviously went.
The beauty of a Christmas gift
cannot be seen at all.
For the loveliness of giving
is a feeling, grand and tall.
It's the genuine offer of love,
the yearning to make a connection,
a show of honest gratitude,
A DISPLAY OF SINCERE AFFECTION!
I'll be getting my affection from the 7 little (six week old) kittens I've been fostering since their birth!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Makes Sense to Me, How About You?
This was sent to me, I am forwarding it, because it does touch a nerve in me..
KEEP PASSING THIS AROUND UNTIL EVERY ONE HAS READ IT...
HERE'S SOMETHING FOR EACH OF US TO THINK ABOUT ~
" I Paid -- Didn't You? "
This is another example of "TREASON in high places" !!!
Remember, not only did you contribute to Social Security but your employer did too. It totaled 15% of your income before taxes. If you averaged only $30K over your working life, that's close to $220,500.
If you calculate the future value of $4,500 per year (yours & your employer's contribution) at a simple 5% (less than what the govt. pays on the money that it borrows), after 49 years of working you'd have $892,919.98.
If you took out only 3% per year, you'd receive $26,787.60 per year and it would last better than 30 years (until you're 95 if you retire at age 65) and that's with no interest paid on that final amount on deposit! If you bought an annuity and it paid 4% per year, you'd have a lifetime income of $2,976.40 per month.
The folks inWashington have pulled off a bigger Ponzi scheme than Bernie Madhoff ever had.
Entitlement my ass, I paid cash for my social security insurance!!!! Just because they borrowed the money, doesn't make my benefits some kind of charity or handout!!
Congressional benefits ---- free healthcare, outrageous retirement packages, 67 paid holidays, three weeks paid vacation, unlimited paid sick days, now that's welfare, and they have the nerve to call my social security retirement entitlements?
We're "broke" and can't help our own Seniors, Veterans, Orphans, Homeless
In the last months we have provided aid toHaiti , Chile , and Turkey . And nowPakistan ......home of bin Laden. Literally, BILLIONS of DOLLARS!!!
Our retired seniors living on a 'fixed income' receive no aid nor do they get any breaks while our government and religious organizations pour Hundreds of Billions of Dollars $$'s
and Tons of Food to Foreign Countries!
They call Social Security and Medicare an entitlement even though most of us have been paying for it all our working lives and now when it’s time for us to collect, the government is running out of money. Why did the government borrow from it in the first place? Imagine if the *GOVERNMENT* gave 'US' the same support they give to other countries.
THE ONLY THING WRONG WITH THESE CALCULATIONS, IS..
THEY FORGOT TO FIGURE IN THE PEOPLE WHO DIED BEFORE THEY COLLECTED THEIR SOCIAL SECURITY!!!! WHERE DID ALL THAT MONEY GO TO ???
Sad isn't it?
99% of people won't have what it takes to forward this.
I'm one of the 1% -- I Just Did.
KEEP PASSING THIS AROUND UNTIL EVERY ONE HAS READ IT...
HERE'S SOMETHING FOR EACH OF US TO THINK ABOUT ~
" I Paid -- Didn't You? "
This is another example of "TREASON in high places" !!!
Remember, not only did you contribute to Social Security but your employer did too. It totaled 15% of your income before taxes. If you averaged only $30K over your working life, that's close to $220,500.
If you calculate the future value of $4,500 per year (yours & your employer's contribution) at a simple 5% (less than what the govt. pays on the money that it borrows), after 49 years of working you'd have $892,919.98.
If you took out only 3% per year, you'd receive $26,787.60 per year and it would last better than 30 years (until you're 95 if you retire at age 65) and that's with no interest paid on that final amount on deposit! If you bought an annuity and it paid 4% per year, you'd have a lifetime income of $2,976.40 per month.
The folks inWashington have pulled off a bigger Ponzi scheme than Bernie Madhoff ever had.
Entitlement my ass, I paid cash for my social security insurance!!!! Just because they borrowed the money, doesn't make my benefits some kind of charity or handout!!
Congressional benefits ---- free healthcare, outrageous retirement packages, 67 paid holidays, three weeks paid vacation, unlimited paid sick days, now that's welfare, and they have the nerve to call my social security retirement entitlements?
We're "broke" and can't help our own Seniors, Veterans, Orphans, Homeless
In the last months we have provided aid toHaiti , Chile , and Turkey . And nowPakistan ......home of bin Laden. Literally, BILLIONS of DOLLARS!!!
Our retired seniors living on a 'fixed income' receive no aid nor do they get any breaks while our government and religious organizations pour Hundreds of Billions of Dollars $$'s
and Tons of Food to Foreign Countries!
They call Social Security and Medicare an entitlement even though most of us have been paying for it all our working lives and now when it’s time for us to collect, the government is running out of money. Why did the government borrow from it in the first place? Imagine if the *GOVERNMENT* gave 'US' the same support they give to other countries.
THE ONLY THING WRONG WITH THESE CALCULATIONS, IS..
THEY FORGOT TO FIGURE IN THE PEOPLE WHO DIED BEFORE THEY COLLECTED THEIR SOCIAL SECURITY!!!! WHERE DID ALL THAT MONEY GO TO ???
Sad isn't it?
99% of people won't have what it takes to forward this.
I'm one of the 1% -- I Just Did.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Useful Cell Phone Info...
Useful Cell Phone Info...
4 Things you might not have known about your Cell Phone:
For all the folks with cell phones...this should be printed and kept in your car, purse, and wallet. It's good information to have with you. There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival.
Check out the things that you can do with it:
FIRST (Emergency)
The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile network and there is an Emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly, this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.
SECOND (Hidden Battery Power)
Imagine your cell battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370#. Your cell phone will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell phone next time.
THIRD (How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone? )
To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following Digits on your phone:
*#06# .
A 15-digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe.
If your phone is stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
And Finally....
FOURTH (Free Directory Service for Cells)
Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 to $1.75 or more for 411 information calls when they don't have to. Most of us do not carry a telephone directory in our vehicle, which makes this situation even more of a problem. When you need to use the 411 information option, simply dial:
(800) FREE411 or (800) 373-3411
without incurring any charge at all. Program this into your cell phone now. This is the kind of information people don't mind receiving, so pass it on to your family and friends.
4 Things you might not have known about your Cell Phone:
For all the folks with cell phones...this should be printed and kept in your car, purse, and wallet. It's good information to have with you. There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival.
Check out the things that you can do with it:
FIRST (Emergency)
The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile network and there is an Emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly, this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.
SECOND (Hidden Battery Power)
Imagine your cell battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370#. Your cell phone will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell phone next time.
THIRD (How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone? )
To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following Digits on your phone:
*#06# .
A 15-digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe.
If your phone is stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
And Finally....
FOURTH (Free Directory Service for Cells)
Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 to $1.75 or more for 411 information calls when they don't have to. Most of us do not carry a telephone directory in our vehicle, which makes this situation even more of a problem. When you need to use the 411 information option, simply dial:
(800) FREE411 or (800) 373-3411
without incurring any charge at all. Program this into your cell phone now. This is the kind of information people don't mind receiving, so pass it on to your family and friends.
Monday, September 05, 2011
I'm A Sanguine/Phlegmatic!
The Sanguine / Phlegmatic
The sanguine-phlegmatic is an extraverted, optimistic, warm individual who readily connects with others and is well-liked by all. His sanguine side makes him creative, enthusiastic, friendly, and inspiring. His phlegmatic side makes him somewhat cautious at times, and also highly sensitive to other people’s moods, emotions, likes and dislikes. He keenly desires harmony in relationships.
He tends to overextend himself in order to meet others’ needs and to personalize any negative criticism (If the boss says, “We are not meeting our quotas,” the sanguine-phlegmatic thinks, “Is he angry at me?” If her best friend says, “I really can’t wear red lipstick,” the sanguine-phlegmatic will think, “She’s trying to tell me that my lipstick looks terrible!”). After all, the sanguine-phlegmatic has a double-dose of feeling; twice-blessed by the tendency to prioritize relationships and harmony.
If you are a sanguine-phlegmatic, most everyone likes you! You are easy-going, creative, fun-loving, enthusiastic, imaginative, caring, generous, flexible, and spontaneous. You are probably considered “emotional” because of your easily aroused feelings, your attentiveness to relationships, and your tender heart. Your weaknesses are superficiality, indecisiveness, disorganization, and procrastination. Often you find it difficult to know exactly how to state what you mean, or how to express yourself logically; this contributes to a tendency to talk more than is needed or to provide more detail than is necessary. In a relationship, you will likely gravitate toward a logical, organized, strong-willed and decisive partner—someone who makes decisions quickly and provides strong moral certitude and structure to your life. You can be easily influenced (which is exacerbated by your tendency to ask others for advice — without thinking it through) and to do what seems “kind” before considering whether it is objectively right. Many sanguine-phlegmatics are drawn to teaching (and parenting), the helping professions, and volunteer works for the Church or for the welfare of society.
You place a high priority on your personal search for meaning and self-identity. The strong need to discover your “true self” will be met by a rich prayer life and a personal relationship with Christ. Your weaknesses probably tend to bother you more than anyone else. For example, you may find yourself blurting out something without thinking, or spending too much time seeking advice only to find yourself more confused than you started, or oversleeping every day this week — despite all the best of intentions. You may find yourself becoming overcommitted because you simply can’t say “no” and have a strong need to be liked/please people. A typical sanguine-phlegmatic trick is to spend too much money shopping or (better yet) dining out with friends, and then to put off balancing the checkbook (too much work, too many other distractions) until it is hopelessly behind. Now you are overwhelmed with everything that has piled up! You may complain half-heartedly, blame circumstances, or go shopping. . . but you may not really make a concerted effort to change.
If your temperament is sanguine-phlegmatic, for a better understanding of your temperament it is recommended that you read the full descriptions of the sanguine and phlegmatic.
The sanguine-phlegmatic is an extraverted, optimistic, warm individual who readily connects with others and is well-liked by all. His sanguine side makes him creative, enthusiastic, friendly, and inspiring. His phlegmatic side makes him somewhat cautious at times, and also highly sensitive to other people’s moods, emotions, likes and dislikes. He keenly desires harmony in relationships.
He tends to overextend himself in order to meet others’ needs and to personalize any negative criticism (If the boss says, “We are not meeting our quotas,” the sanguine-phlegmatic thinks, “Is he angry at me?” If her best friend says, “I really can’t wear red lipstick,” the sanguine-phlegmatic will think, “She’s trying to tell me that my lipstick looks terrible!”). After all, the sanguine-phlegmatic has a double-dose of feeling; twice-blessed by the tendency to prioritize relationships and harmony.
If you are a sanguine-phlegmatic, most everyone likes you! You are easy-going, creative, fun-loving, enthusiastic, imaginative, caring, generous, flexible, and spontaneous. You are probably considered “emotional” because of your easily aroused feelings, your attentiveness to relationships, and your tender heart. Your weaknesses are superficiality, indecisiveness, disorganization, and procrastination. Often you find it difficult to know exactly how to state what you mean, or how to express yourself logically; this contributes to a tendency to talk more than is needed or to provide more detail than is necessary. In a relationship, you will likely gravitate toward a logical, organized, strong-willed and decisive partner—someone who makes decisions quickly and provides strong moral certitude and structure to your life. You can be easily influenced (which is exacerbated by your tendency to ask others for advice — without thinking it through) and to do what seems “kind” before considering whether it is objectively right. Many sanguine-phlegmatics are drawn to teaching (and parenting), the helping professions, and volunteer works for the Church or for the welfare of society.
You place a high priority on your personal search for meaning and self-identity. The strong need to discover your “true self” will be met by a rich prayer life and a personal relationship with Christ. Your weaknesses probably tend to bother you more than anyone else. For example, you may find yourself blurting out something without thinking, or spending too much time seeking advice only to find yourself more confused than you started, or oversleeping every day this week — despite all the best of intentions. You may find yourself becoming overcommitted because you simply can’t say “no” and have a strong need to be liked/please people. A typical sanguine-phlegmatic trick is to spend too much money shopping or (better yet) dining out with friends, and then to put off balancing the checkbook (too much work, too many other distractions) until it is hopelessly behind. Now you are overwhelmed with everything that has piled up! You may complain half-heartedly, blame circumstances, or go shopping. . . but you may not really make a concerted effort to change.
If your temperament is sanguine-phlegmatic, for a better understanding of your temperament it is recommended that you read the full descriptions of the sanguine and phlegmatic.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
I Can't Win!
So Mr Buzz saved my life by helping me get off of all those meds that were killing me. He taught me how to improve my health by eating better and pushing past the pain to exercise. I started taking better care of myself than I ever have and what for? Now I have all kinds of new problems!
The day the little prince died I had to take some blood tests. They were in the morning, before I even knew my cat was sick so I wasn't even stressed out yet. The following week I got the test results. Not good.
My triglycerides were high, my cholesterol was high, my good cholesterol was low, my c-reactive protein was twice what it should be. And my blood pressure has been high for a while now.
All indications of high risk for a heart attack. Throw in my family history and I'm just a heart attack waiting to happen. Apparently. I saw the Cardiologist, he wants me to have a nuclear stress test.
He told me no stress, no exercise, just lay low until the test. I'm trying!
Maybe I should start smoking again. When I was smoking my blood pressure was always 110/70. When I quit smoking it was always 120/80. Now... the lowest it's been is 132/92!
I haven't even taken it since my little prince died. I don't want to know what it is!
The day the little prince died I had to take some blood tests. They were in the morning, before I even knew my cat was sick so I wasn't even stressed out yet. The following week I got the test results. Not good.
My triglycerides were high, my cholesterol was high, my good cholesterol was low, my c-reactive protein was twice what it should be. And my blood pressure has been high for a while now.
All indications of high risk for a heart attack. Throw in my family history and I'm just a heart attack waiting to happen. Apparently. I saw the Cardiologist, he wants me to have a nuclear stress test.
He told me no stress, no exercise, just lay low until the test. I'm trying!
Maybe I should start smoking again. When I was smoking my blood pressure was always 110/70. When I quit smoking it was always 120/80. Now... the lowest it's been is 132/92!
I haven't even taken it since my little prince died. I don't want to know what it is!
Saturday, July 30, 2011
The Pain is Killing Me
Yesterday morning my Little Prince started vomiting foam. He could barely utter a weak cry. I took him to the vet. The vet did some xrays and discovered a ruptured esophagus, he thinks from the vomiting, which made air build up in my little darlings tissues. That alone was enough to kill him.
Then the vet did a blood test and discovered severe kidney failure. I had no clue my baby was so sick! He had been laying low for a couple of days but I was so sick with my belly issues that I didn't really pay any attention.
And now my baby is in the ground. It's all I can do to stop myself from digging him up and holding him til I die! It hurts so much!
It seems that God keeps taking the males in my life that are sweet and loving and leaving the assholes and bitches.
Friday, July 15, 2011
I Never Watch Oprah
But it happened to be on the tv when I sat down one day and I was interested in the story of twin girls who were abused by their family members. It broke my heart, but one thing that stood out, and really stuck with me was a quote Oprah sited:
"FORGIVENESS IS GIVING UP THE HOPE THAT THE PAST COULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT."
I want that forever somewhere so I can access it. This is a good place.
"FORGIVENESS IS GIVING UP THE HOPE THAT THE PAST COULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT."
I want that forever somewhere so I can access it. This is a good place.
Monday, July 04, 2011
Hey Bolivia Finney
In Fort Lauderdale Florida. So you used my blog email address to book a hotel for your trip to Lombard Illinois this weekend. Shows what a lying little thief you are. Yes I know who you are, you aren't fooling me with your lies!
I'm watching you!
I'm watching you!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Happy Father's Day!
It's been 11 years since you left this world Dad. I've come to terms with everything. I feel your presence all the time, I see you in my dreams. We are closer now than we have ever been. I thank you for giving me your great personality, intelligence and skills!
I Love You Dad!
Friday, June 03, 2011
Help Please!
HE'S BEEN FOUND!!!!!!!!!!!
Kat,the amazing woman who runs Operation Love From Home, an organization that sends cards and care packages to our troops overseas, needs help. Her 15 year old son has been missing for a week. She says he’s been away from home before, but has always returned in a day or so. A week is a bit different. She’s heard through his friends several different theories as to where he may be, up to and including Alabama (Jacob is from Georgia).
Jake is 15, and has a cross on his upper arm, just above his elbow, with the date 8/8/95 (his birthday) on it. If you have any information, please call Det. Massey at the Loganville Police Department at 770-466-8087, ext. 211. Please, keep your eyes open for Jake. The pictures of Jake below have been provided by Kat.
Kat,the amazing woman who runs Operation Love From Home, an organization that sends cards and care packages to our troops overseas, needs help. Her 15 year old son has been missing for a week. She says he’s been away from home before, but has always returned in a day or so. A week is a bit different. She’s heard through his friends several different theories as to where he may be, up to and including Alabama (Jacob is from Georgia).
Jake is 15, and has a cross on his upper arm, just above his elbow, with the date 8/8/95 (his birthday) on it. If you have any information, please call Det. Massey at the Loganville Police Department at 770-466-8087, ext. 211. Please, keep your eyes open for Jake. The pictures of Jake below have been provided by Kat.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
My Happy Place!
I did it! I went down and saw my grandson. I stayed at a hotel, which was good because I had somewhere to go and do my thing. I spent an equivalent of a day in the 3 days I was down there with them, but it was all good.
My daughter was actually nice! My son in law, was not, but I don't care. The baby! Oh the baby! I've longed to hold a baby for so long!
The little booger is spoiled, as all babies should be. As I held him and rocked him to sleep, his mama said he had to go to his crib. The little booger looked at me through half opened eyes and smiled.
He knew that meant Grandma needed to hold and rock him some more! When I told him he was so smart, again he looked at me with those half opened eyes and smiled. When I told him someday he'd rule the world....
He gave me the look above, like "Whatchutalkinbout Grandma?! I don't wanna do that!"
This picture is my desktop, sometimes I just sit here and stare at it and smile. It's my happy place!
I'm going back down at the end of next month for his christening. He's wearing the same outfit my son and my ex wore at their christenings. I can't wait to see him again!
Friday, January 14, 2011
There should be a support group
"For Mothers whose children hate them, dishonor them and belittle them...
Who bear bitter anguish." That was the closest thing I could find when I googled Good mothers whose children hate them.
After I cleaned myself up from crying so hard I literally threw up all over myself. I don't know what came over me, maybe it was the prospect of finally seeing my first grandchild for the first time, a month after his birth.
No I do know what came over me, and that's exactly it. I long to hold a sweet little baby in my arms but I'm terrified that I will fall in love with him and not be able to see him, to show him how much I love him.
I'm terrified that his mother, his grandfather, his great grandmother (my own mother) and his uncle will do to him what I suspect was done to his mother and uncle. My own children that I love more than anything in the world.
Where she got some of her ideas of things she's said that I've said are a mystery to me. I know that I have never said such horrible things! No matter how messed up my head was, I would never have done to my children what was done to me!
I hurts so much. I would never want anyone, especially not my own children to feel this kind of pain! I imagine this is close to what my son might have felt when he was about 8 years old.
Calling me to come kiss him goodnight, when I couldn't get off the couch. My heart and every fiber of my being wanted to so much, but I just couldn't lift a muscle, I was paralyzed. His poor little heart must have broken thinking I didn't love him anymore. I can understand that now.
But I miss my sweet little boy so much! He'll be 25 soon. When I spoke to him on my birthday in November he wouldn't give me his address. I asked him several times and he gave me mean excuses. It broke my heart!
He basically said he wants nothing to do with me, without saying the actual words of course. No mother should ever feel that pain!
But I clung to the hope that things would change when my children had children of their own. As much as I wanted to explain to the well meaning people who always said "they will change when they are parents" that I can no longer cling to that hope because it hurts too damn much, I kept silent because I knew they just didn't/couldn't understand.
And who could? I've gotten used to the shocked expressions on people faces when I tell them that I don't speak to my own mother because she hates me, and has hated me my entire life. Yes she did tell me that!
But I know that I have never made my children feel that way! When I tell people that I really don't understand why 2 of my children hate me, and that they refuse to even discuss anything with me, they all come up with the same conclusion... they had to be brainwashed by my mother and my ex.
I've done extensive research into the possibility that they have passive/aggressive narcissistic personality disorder. I'm convinced my mother and my ex have it! And that does help some, knowing it's them and not me.
But they are my children! I love them! 10 years of therapy helped build my self esteem. Helped me learn to build the mechanisms I needed to live a halfway normal life. And a dying old man taught me the rest.
But now I'm alone again. There's nobody here to help me when the bitter anguish hits. The feeling that my heart is exploding because I love my children so much!
And then I wonder... is it worth it to even try to see my grandchild? Can I endure more pain? The pain of loving a child who doesn't love you is a pain no mother should endure.
Sometimes I wonder if this is what it feels like when a mother has to endure the pain of her child dying. And then I think it could possibly be worse. With death there is a finality, there is no hope for a better future only to be let down, time and time again.
Forgive me, I'm rambling here. Probably won't even post this, or will take it down. I was sort of hoping that other mothers who understood this pain would find me, we could form a support group and at the very least help each other deal with it.
Right now I feel like starting to drink. But my liver is in bad shape, drinking would probably kill me and I've had that anguish already, I wouldn't want to have that happen to the one child who does love me.
So I'll clean the sheets, and cry myself to sleep again. I'll try not to think about the possibility of seeing my grandson next week. At least I'm hoping to, my daughter has a habit of ignoring me.
Maybe one glass of wine will help me sleep without killing me?
Who bear bitter anguish." That was the closest thing I could find when I googled Good mothers whose children hate them.
After I cleaned myself up from crying so hard I literally threw up all over myself. I don't know what came over me, maybe it was the prospect of finally seeing my first grandchild for the first time, a month after his birth.
No I do know what came over me, and that's exactly it. I long to hold a sweet little baby in my arms but I'm terrified that I will fall in love with him and not be able to see him, to show him how much I love him.
I'm terrified that his mother, his grandfather, his great grandmother (my own mother) and his uncle will do to him what I suspect was done to his mother and uncle. My own children that I love more than anything in the world.
Where she got some of her ideas of things she's said that I've said are a mystery to me. I know that I have never said such horrible things! No matter how messed up my head was, I would never have done to my children what was done to me!
I hurts so much. I would never want anyone, especially not my own children to feel this kind of pain! I imagine this is close to what my son might have felt when he was about 8 years old.
Calling me to come kiss him goodnight, when I couldn't get off the couch. My heart and every fiber of my being wanted to so much, but I just couldn't lift a muscle, I was paralyzed. His poor little heart must have broken thinking I didn't love him anymore. I can understand that now.
But I miss my sweet little boy so much! He'll be 25 soon. When I spoke to him on my birthday in November he wouldn't give me his address. I asked him several times and he gave me mean excuses. It broke my heart!
He basically said he wants nothing to do with me, without saying the actual words of course. No mother should ever feel that pain!
But I clung to the hope that things would change when my children had children of their own. As much as I wanted to explain to the well meaning people who always said "they will change when they are parents" that I can no longer cling to that hope because it hurts too damn much, I kept silent because I knew they just didn't/couldn't understand.
And who could? I've gotten used to the shocked expressions on people faces when I tell them that I don't speak to my own mother because she hates me, and has hated me my entire life. Yes she did tell me that!
But I know that I have never made my children feel that way! When I tell people that I really don't understand why 2 of my children hate me, and that they refuse to even discuss anything with me, they all come up with the same conclusion... they had to be brainwashed by my mother and my ex.
I've done extensive research into the possibility that they have passive/aggressive narcissistic personality disorder. I'm convinced my mother and my ex have it! And that does help some, knowing it's them and not me.
But they are my children! I love them! 10 years of therapy helped build my self esteem. Helped me learn to build the mechanisms I needed to live a halfway normal life. And a dying old man taught me the rest.
But now I'm alone again. There's nobody here to help me when the bitter anguish hits. The feeling that my heart is exploding because I love my children so much!
And then I wonder... is it worth it to even try to see my grandchild? Can I endure more pain? The pain of loving a child who doesn't love you is a pain no mother should endure.
Sometimes I wonder if this is what it feels like when a mother has to endure the pain of her child dying. And then I think it could possibly be worse. With death there is a finality, there is no hope for a better future only to be let down, time and time again.
Forgive me, I'm rambling here. Probably won't even post this, or will take it down. I was sort of hoping that other mothers who understood this pain would find me, we could form a support group and at the very least help each other deal with it.
Right now I feel like starting to drink. But my liver is in bad shape, drinking would probably kill me and I've had that anguish already, I wouldn't want to have that happen to the one child who does love me.
So I'll clean the sheets, and cry myself to sleep again. I'll try not to think about the possibility of seeing my grandson next week. At least I'm hoping to, my daughter has a habit of ignoring me.
Maybe one glass of wine will help me sleep without killing me?
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
Monday, January 03, 2011
The New Me
I've been wanting to get rid of the blond for a long time, but Mr Buzz wanted a young blond wife. When I finally took the plunge last summer, I hated my short dark hair, now it's growing on me.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Best Christmas Present Ever!
now if only I can get rid of this damn cold so I can go see him before he walks and talks already!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Family Ties
I know my oldest daughter has hated anything similar between us her entire life, but I never would have wished similar birthing on her! All of my children were difficult births because my body just would not let them come smoothly into this world.
It appears my daughter is the same. Her due date is Christmas Day. She went to the doctor yesterday and was not dilated at all. She figured New Years would be the new delivery date.
For some odd reason, last night I got ambitious. I posted on facebook that I was nesting for my daughter. She called me at 4:30 am and said it worked, her water just broke!
But by 1:30 they had started inducing labor because she still wasn't dilating. It's now almost 5:30 and I'm still waiting to hear that my grandson has arrived! I'm afraid my daughter inherited my lousy cervix!
I'm just glad modern medicine is better than it was 30 years ago. It took that child 3 days to come into this world. I pray it doesn't take my grandson that long!
I don't dare call, but it's driving me crazy!
To make matters worse, I can't be there because I have a horrible cold!
Everyone please pray that my grandson arrives safely and healthy soon! Thanks!
9pm still no baby. :( I called around 6 she was getting an epidural, mumbled I'll call you when it's over. Damn this waiting sucks!
It appears my daughter is the same. Her due date is Christmas Day. She went to the doctor yesterday and was not dilated at all. She figured New Years would be the new delivery date.
For some odd reason, last night I got ambitious. I posted on facebook that I was nesting for my daughter. She called me at 4:30 am and said it worked, her water just broke!
But by 1:30 they had started inducing labor because she still wasn't dilating. It's now almost 5:30 and I'm still waiting to hear that my grandson has arrived! I'm afraid my daughter inherited my lousy cervix!
I'm just glad modern medicine is better than it was 30 years ago. It took that child 3 days to come into this world. I pray it doesn't take my grandson that long!
I don't dare call, but it's driving me crazy!
To make matters worse, I can't be there because I have a horrible cold!
Everyone please pray that my grandson arrives safely and healthy soon! Thanks!
9pm still no baby. :( I called around 6 she was getting an epidural, mumbled I'll call you when it's over. Damn this waiting sucks!
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